I don’t know about you, but the idea of a wedding really freaks me out. But, contrary to what you might think, I don’t shrivel up into a ball of fear when I think about the “most important day of my life” for the most conventional reasons. I’m not scared of committing to one person for the rest of my life, nor am I hesitant about the love I have for my partner. I don’t squirm at the prospect of waking up beside the same guy every morning, and I’m not repelled by the thought of someone knowing all of my dirty little secrets. I love the idea of spending the rest of my life with the person I love, but I don’t feel the need to stand up in front of a bunch of my friends and family to prove it. I want to show my love without a caterer, flowers, and dresses; I want to see everyone happy for my love without the need to buy me a gift; I want to spend the money I have on paying off my school debts and maybe thinking about buying house. And so, dear reader, I give to you:
The four reasons why I don’t want to have a wedding.
It really is the root of all evil. But honestly, if I’m going to drop 20,000 dollars on something, it’s going to be for something worthwhile, like debts, mortgages, or a really awesome bedroom with a fridge built into one of the walls. I’m not going to spend seven thousand dollars on ONE dress that I can only wear once. I’m not going to ask four to six of my friends (depending on where we all are in life, and, you know, if they became weird or not) to drop at least 200 bucks on something that will always clearly be a bridesmaid dress, no matter what colour it is (and face it, even the most neutral colour will always have that braidsmaids-y feel to it). And, most importantly, I’m not going to fork over God-only-knows-how-much to get bland food that is almost never finished. I mean, I understand that the most important part of a wedding is the open bar (for those of you who are NOT planning an open bar: stop. Stop right now. You are failing at weddings already.), but why do I need to do the ceremony part too? Can’t I just have, like, a really sweet party at a bar with everyone I care about there? And they can all wear whatever they want: tank tops and shorts, jeans and a blazer, an old bridesmaids dress, anything is possible! I know I’ll probably show up in jeans, boots, and a t-shirt. And do you know why? Because that’s what I’m comfortable in, and I’ll be damned if I’m uncomfortable on my wedding day! Which leads me to my next point…
I know that there are a lot of women out there who LOVE dresses and can’t wait until summer to slip into one. They love how flowey and free dress make them feel, the breeze blowing lightly against their nether regions, and the materials come in a variety of cute colours and pretty patterns, almost irresistible to the feminine brain. But whenever I wear a dress, all I can think about is what would happen if a zombie apocalypse happened, like, right now? I’d be stuck wearing that stupid dress while I tried to run away from those cannibalistic cretins, probably trip over it, get eaten, and die horrible. And I always picture myself hanging out with Daryl Dixon when the dead inevitably rise, so the dress thing is kind of ruled out for me. Now, if that’s how I feel about dresses that are cheap and made in China, can you image how awkward I would be in a really expensive dress that’s made of white fabric and is all pretty and pure? Ugh, the thought of wearing something like that makes me cringe, let alone walking down an aisle in front of a ton of people. And, knowing me, I’d probably spill something on myself, or have an overwhelming urge to fart halfway through the ceremony, and ruin the whole thing for everyone. Gross. Next!
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m really not a lazy person, but the idea of planning a wedding just exhausts me. It’s not just because everything has to perfectly mapped out for, like, at least 50 people to be happy, and—if television has taught me anything—I’ll probably be freaking out when things inevitably go wrong. I don’t want this; no one wants this! I want my wedding to be a completely relaxed affair without all the fanfare that seems to be a requirement. Stag and doe? No thanks. Bridal shower? Pass. Another bridal shower for the other side of the family because my mother-in-law couldn’t make it to the one my mother threw for me? Um, no. Bachelorette party? Well, if you insist… But honestly, I could just go out with my friends and get drunk any old time. I get that it’s kind of a tradition and the symbolism behind it is quite appealing (last night as a single person…even though we’ve been dating for eight years, have lived together for five, call each other husband/wife already, and are completely committed to each other in every way imaginable. But still last night as a single, woo hoo!). And it’s not just I who has to put all the energy into getting this thing out of the way: my parents, friends, in-laws, acquaintances all have to contribute in some way. People have to fly in from out of town, buy new socially appropriate attire, fret about losing weight, get their hurr all did, get their makeup done, write speeches, pretend they care, etc. Really, all of this just requires far too much…
For every hour that I spend planning my wedding I lose one hour that could go towards me playing StarCraft. I’d rather play StarCraft. In fact, there are a lot of other things I’d rather be doing with my time than deciding on a theme or colours for the wedding. I can’t think of anything right now, but I’m almost positive there are more productive ways to spend my time. And it’s not just my time either; everyone has to rearrange their schedules to fit whatever I want. What about those weirdos who decide to have their wedding on a Friday? What the hell is that all about? Not only does everyone have to take at least two days off of work, but a lot of people will have to cancel at the last minute because something important came up. I recently had to do this myself: I had an exam (in Toronto) scheduled for the time the wedding (in London) was supposed to start. The out-of-towners have even more to think about, because nobody is going to fly into Toronto from Vancouver for just a weekend! I guess it helps eliminate the extra people that were invited for the sake of it, but come on! Just don’t invite them if you don’t want them there! It’s your wedding, after all.
So, there you have it, the reasons I will not be having a wedding. Of course, this isn’t to say that I won’t do a common-law marriage and then just have a really awesome party afterwards where everyone can show up and get sloshed without worrying about the tab! Because THAT’S what a good wedding host should do: make the party fun for everyone. Nobody wants to sit through the boring ceremony, so just go do that on your own time. We go for the free booze, the dancing, and all the other shenanigans that come with a wedding reception, so if your wedding is just going to be me getting wasted with you on your special day, I’m game. As long as it doesn’t fall on a day that I’m busy, feel bloated, or have my period; nor will I have to spend money on a dress, or wear any kind of dress for that matter, then I will officially deem your wedding a success and you may proceed with a happily married life together.